Guest Article by Dave Burns
The Transition to Motherhood - a Reality Check
By Elyse Killoran
The following experiences are almost universal - yet they
catch many of us off guard. If you have been judging
yourself as a success or a failure at this mommy stuff
based on what you had imagined motherhood would be like,
read on...
As a new mother, you are likely to be exhausted and under
stress, and to experience emotional highs and lows.
The postpartum experience is one of peaks and valleys. As
in any transition, there will be losses as well as gains.
At times you may question your ability to mother well. Your
relationships with friends and significant others will
likely change. You may feel very isolated and you may miss
some aspects of life before baby's arrival. New mothers
typically report experiencing the full range of
emotions--from elation to joy, to pride and a sense of
spiritual expansion, to jealousy, anger, guilt, and
frustration. A sense of ambivalence during the first months
of your baby's life is not a sign that you are a poor or
uncaring mother. On the contrary, it is a sign that you are
deeply aware of the significance of this experience and
that you are allowing your love for this child to change
and deepen your sense of who you really are.
Your expectations of motherhood may not match your reality.
The images that you might have had of motherhood, garnered
from the media, had you believing that nearly every minute
spent with your new bundle of joy would be peaceful,
joyful, and fulfilling. Yet caring for a child is
difficult, emotionally demanding, and frequently boring
work. It is likely to come as a shock when you find that
you were ill prepared for just how demanding your infant
could be. You might find yourself feeling frustrated by the
repetitive nature of the tasks (for as soon as you have
diapered, clothed, and fed your baby, it is time to repeat
the cycle). You might miss the social interaction that you
enjoyed at the office or the intellectual stimulation of
your job. No matter how much you love your child, it is
perfectly normal to admit you are not necessarily enamored
of the role of full-time at-home mom.
You may find may find yourself so enthralled with your
little one that your love affair with the baby begins to
eclipse your love affair with your husband.
Many new mothers find that their needs to be touched and
adored have been satisfied by the interaction that they
have with their babies. Yet their husbands long for the
intimacy they once enjoyed with their wives. It may seem as
if finding time for adult conversation or romantic nights
alone requires too much effort and energy, but unless a
couple puts forth a concerted effort to keep the romance
alive, the arrival of a baby can mark the end of passion
and the beginning of something more akin to a
"sibling/best-friend" relationship. Keep in mind that one
of the greatest gifts you can give to your children is the
model of a successful marriage--one in which both partners
listen, respond to, and support one another. Although it
might seem difficult to imagine now, it is really in your
child's best interest for you to set aside time without
your child so that you can continue to nurture your
marriage.
You may have to work to stay connected to other aspects of
your "personhood."
It is so easy for a new mother to get swept away by this
new role and to lose herself somewhat in the process.
Therefore, it is essential that you make it a point to
carve out some time for the activities that meant a lot to
you prior to motherhood. By reserving a bit of time for
enjoyable and rejuvenating activities, you will find it
easier to share yourself with your child during the rest of
the week. One suggestion is to reserve one evening a week
where one of the parents can have time for him or herself.
The other spouse is then responsible for all child and home
care for a set amount of time, which provides each parent
both with quality time with the child as well as some very
vital personal time.
The best gift you can give to everyone around you
(especially your children and your spouse) is the gift of
caring for yourself.
Not only is your own self-care a gift to yourself--it is an
absolute necessity for the health and well-being of your
loved ones. While most new mothers will stop at nothing to
ensure that their children's needs are met, these same
women behave as if they can deny they own needs
indefinitely. The reality of motherhood is that you can
only share as much love and nurturing as you yourself are
receiving. It is essential that all mothers ask for help
and support on a regular basis in order to replenish
themselves and to build up their reserves of energy and
love. Once your needs are met you'll have so much more to
share with your family.
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Elyse Killoran is a Personal Success Coach and the founder
of a unique service for new mothers known as *Mother-Care*.
*Mother-Care* has as its mission: to ease new and expectant
mothers through the transition to parenthood. Towards this
end, the *Mother-Care* program makes use of advanced
technology (teleconferencing capabilities) to offer
guidance, support and a sense of community to pregnant and
postpartum moms. These teleconferencing programs (referred
to as *teleclasses*) are conveniently accessible,
nationwide, through the participant's home telephone. For
more information on the *Mother-Care* program, please visit
the *Mother-Care* web site at
http://www.coachcentral.com/elysekilloran or phone Elyse
Killoran at (516) 851-1192. Ms. Killoran is a member of the
International Coaching Federation.
Copyright 2002, Elyse Killoran. All rights reserved.
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